A LOVE LETTER TO YOUR PENIS

Yes I am holding up a sign declaring my love for penises like this is mutha fuckin’ Myspace circa 2005

Yesterday, HOWL’s Women’s Fashion Editor flagged this ‘gem‘ to me for lolz. Yes, you read that right. It’s a love letter. To fannies.

I’m gay and horrified by meat wallets. I’d still be horrified by the pudding hatch even if I wanted to put my willy inside of one. They look like face huggers and probably have the same plans for me.

At first I thought I’d make a witty comeback, much in the same way as Frankee’s ‘Fuck You Right Back‘, critiquing all of the points put forward in the original love letter, but probably not in the form of a R’n’B pop hit. I mean, ‘You look great, you’re shaped great, you smell great’ – has this chick done as she was told during sex education, and actually looked at her junk while bending over and looking behind her into a mirror? Or actually given her axe wound a sniff? That shit nasty, ain’t nobody got time for that.

I love girls though, and I don’t think it’s very nice belittling other people’s genitalia just to make myself feel better about my own (I am totally comfortable with my dick, okay). I’d just like to take the time to reassure boys everywhere that we have the upper hand here in this eternal war called Penis vs Vagina, with a few key points of my own in this ode to wangs everywhere.

1. Big, small or even the micropenis, they all have one distinct advantage – peeing standing up. She-wees are a poor imitation, because they can’t master special moves such as ‘No Hands’.

2. You’re always in the mood! It’s a proven fact that orgasms release all kinds of lovely hormones into your blood stream, and you can tap into that ANY TIME. In fact, probably MANY TIMES in any given day. Shit day at work? Just rub one out! (Probably not at work though).

3. Cut or uncut, you’re beautiful, no matter what anyone says. Girls (or boys) don’t get to have a preference. The penis is a gift. And that whole ‘cut guys are cleaner thing’ – it takes 5 seconds to give him a wash. ALL PENISES ARE EQUAL.

4. It really is the motion in the ocean. Totally not talking from experience here, but my girlfriends have often told me the disappointment they have felt when they get with this well-hung, dream guy who in fact humps like a Pomeranian. So don’t worry about your size, just fuck ‘em good. As they say, ‘If it’s more than a mouthful it’s a waste’.

5. THIGH SLAPS.

I could go on. But basically guys, love your little guy. You’ve only got one and he’s precious. Wear a rubber. Peace.

About author
Editor/Founder. Likes cats and new music.
  • Honor

    Excuse me but I can rub one out any time I like too! Don’t claim masturbation as a ‘guy thing’ on my watch. I read this at work and we all LOLd and ate biscuits together.

    • http://twitter.com/HOWLblog HOWL

      I am glad you laughed and didn’t get out the toches and pitchforks

  • Voiceless

    Oh Honey. 1. Misogyny is stupid even when you’re gay. 2. No, size Does matter. I may not want to be fucked by a pomerarian, but if it’s a toothpick, my meat wallet isn’t going to be pelased. And last but certainly not least: 3. You Exist courtesy of a meat wallet. So please, shut the fuck up. Have a nice day and enjoy penis! I know I do! In my VAGINA.

  • jesssster

    ummmm actually i’m pretty sure EVERY WOMAN EVER has mastered the “no hands” pee. it’s how we roll, pee-wise. also, you’ve obviously never talked to a bus-riding, jeans-wearing lady about “rubbing one out” whenever you want to… talk about “no hands”!!!! this article perpetuates a “war” that should be way, WAY over by now.

  • ckmn

    So calling someone’s vag a “meat wallet” and “pudding hatch” isn’t belittling? ugh, I hope your female friends take you to task for this. I hate the whole cutsey gay guy Ewwwwwww vaginazzz! thing, but this goes beyond. You seem to have some serious hate for the lady parts here.

    • Honor

      We actually find him pretty hilarious. Especially as this is very ironic due to his caring and feminist attitude towards women. I would cheerily say derogatory things about penises (most women will if you get them all together and give them some fizzy pink wine) so why not the other way around?

      • Stephk

        Really? Fizzy pink wine? Because that’s what ladies drink? What a totally lame attempt at more “hilarious” offensive gender stereotypes.

        • Honor

          I like pink fizzy wine. Don’t you?

  • Elevator_From_Duh_Shining

    Were you trying to be ironically hypocritical when writing, “I don’t think it’s very nice belittling other people’s genitalia just to make myself feel better about my own,” in an article laden with rude slurs and oneupmanship regarding female genitalia? Maybe you should save witty writing for the pros, little buddy.

    • Spinst

      It’s clearly irony! Jesus. He’s a banging writer. Maybe develop a SOH before lazily slanging someone’s writing ability? Just a suggestion

      • SparkleBotGlitterFairy

        Well if he can dish it out, he’s gonna have to learn to take it.

  • boobelle1

    I am so stumped by this. I read the original piece, trying to figure out where Ms. McCombs insulted penises, and I couldn’t. Did you seriously read a piece that had nothing to do with you and decide to take personal offense at it? Are you that self-absorbed, that you read a piece on a women’s site, geared towards women, by a woman, about celebrating vaginas … and decide that it somehow insults penises? Where is the logic here? Seriously, relax. Women CAN actually talk about their vaginas on the internet without threatening the existence of your dick.

    • Spinst

      You’re clearly desperate for it to be one, but this isn’t a feminist issue. It’s a funny article about willies and fannies

      • boobelle1

        Telling women that their vaginas are disgusting, dirty and smelly isn’t really funny, because it’s incredibly tired and overdone, both as “OMG edgy humor” and as a serious thing women have had to face for ages. It’s not an article about fannies and willies, it’s an article where a man felt so affronted and threatened by something that had nothing to do with him that he decided to just go ballistic on women’s bodies and sexuality.

        • Spinst

          He isn’t affronted or offended, nor did he ‘go ballistic’. I recommend that you reread the article, recognise the inherent irony even if it doesn’t appeal to you, and put down your feminist knuckledusters (which should be reserved for true misogynists – God knows there are enough of them)

          • boobelle1

            I WILL NEVER PUT DOWN MY FEMINIST KNUCKLEDUSTERS … now you really have gone too far.

          • Spinst

            Lolz. *Withdraws to polish own steel-plated feminist knuckledusters*

  • Cass

    The whole ‘mine is better than yours’ tone of this article is so juvenile and disgusting. The writer must clearly have some deeper issues with women and should probably hand a copy of this article to his therapist AND his mother.

  • virginia

    “horrified by meat wallets” … lol bby where do you think you came from? The stalk?

  • Honor

    As the lady who sent the original post to Shaun I can vouch for his complete lack of misogyny…he just really can’t stand the thought of vaginas! We both found the xojane letter hilarious but definitely a good message about loving yourself whatever your hang ups. Just don’t show Shaun your vag and it’ll all be fine…

    • Yawn

      This article is female bashing misogyny. If he could write Shaun wouldn’t need you to vouch for him. Words like “pudding hatch”, “meat wallet”, an “axe wound”, “chick”, “She-wees”, “face huggers”. IT’S a DEROGATORY and SEXIST response to an article that isn’t singling out a group in a derogatory way. For such a small word count it’s full or hate speech. It’s not done in an elegant way to let me into the jokey joke or the irony. It’s just hateful “OH FISH” gay male slander geared towards women. Yawn.

      • Andrea

        No, it’s cool, you guys! He has female friends so he clearly can’t be a misogynist asshole no matter what he says!

  • Pingback: The Power of Penis « Mutated Musings

  • Wil

    Typical gay guy who’s never had experiences with women.
    Might be going for an ironic slant with this article but his naivety is so telling
    Hilarious but for the wrong reasons!

  • SparkleBotGlitterFairy

    Thigh slaps? Try multiple orgasms.

    I win

  • Blerg

    Dear child, please grow up. Seriously, this sounds like it was written by a 12-year-old. You can relax – no one is going to take your love of the dick away from you. Enjoy! I love the dick too. But Real Life is not a zero-sum game. You don’t need to dismiss someone else in order to enjoy what you got. And that is what you have done here. Everyone deserves to love and enjoy their bodies, and to like what they like. Someone on here has defended your piece by saying it’s “ironic,” “silly,” “a joke” or whatever, and it’s a lame defense. That’s like saying “You are really ugly and disgusting. I keed! It was a joke! Where is your sense of humour?” Humour doesn’t work that way. If you have aspirations of being a humourous blog writer, you should learn that now.
    “has this chick done as she was told during sex education, and actually looked at her junk while bending over and looking behind her into a mirror?” Done as she was told? Are we really going there? (btw no one ever “told” me to do this)
    “2. You’re always in the mood! It’s a proven fact that orgasms release all kinds of lovely hormones into your blood stream, and you can tap into that ANY TIME. In fact, probably MANY TIMES in any given day.” OMG women have orgasms too! Can you believe it? I too, can “tap into that” at any given time. Not only that, I can have three or more orgasms IN A ROW. I point this out not to compete but to show that you maybe need a little bit more information on the subject.
    “3. Cut or uncut, you’re beautiful, no matter what anyone says. Girls (or boys) don’t get to have a preference. The penis is a gift. And that whole ‘cut guys are cleaner thing’ – it takes 5 seconds to give him a wash. ALL PENISES ARE EQUAL.” Hmmmm – I find it very confusing that you can make this statement in the same piece that says about the vagina “That shit nasty.” Can you not see the hypocrisy here? Open your eyes.

    Finally, it’s telling that you said that you first thought about making a “witty comeback” to the original piece. The love letter to the vagina was NOT an attack on anyone or anything and thus does not merit a “comeback.” That’s only in YOUR mind. And if you thought that what you hve written here is an improvement on whatever you had planned for your “comeback,” I’m here to tell you that it ain’t. Not witty, not funny, not even well-written. This reads more like high school diary entry. Or a note you’d pass in class, with a ball-point pen drawing of a Scary Garbagina Monster. RAWR. Please, just, grow up.

  • WeLoveVag

    This is so lame. The original article was about addressing female insecurities about their vaginas because of porn, unrealistic expectations, etc. This “reply” just, er, said horrible things about vaginas. Well done there, sport.

  • http://www.facebook.com/tom.oakley.uk Tom OaklEy

    The fact that there are women taking offence to this article is fucking hilarious.

    Women actually upset that a gay man thinks vaginas look horrible.

    THAT’S PART OF BEING GAY, YOU STUPID WOMEN. SAYING WE DON’T LIKE THAT THING YOU KEEP BETWEEN YOUR LEGS IS NOT MISOGYNY. IF WE LIKED IT WE WOULD BE STRAIGHT. DUH.

    • boobelle1

      Just because you aren’t sexually attracted to something doesn’t mean that you need to constantly express disgust over it … you can just be like an adult and say, “eh, I’m not really attracted to that” and move on. It’s a little entitled to think that if you aren’t turned on by something, it gives you the right to attack it.

      A lot of homophobes excuse their shitty behavior just because they find gay sex “gross” or “unnatural.” It’s possible for something to not personally appeal to you without turning it into a reason for personal attacks. As a woman, I am more than comfortable with the fact that my vagina is of absolutely no interest to gay men. It doesn’t offend me or upset me in the slightest. But if a gay man goes out of his way to use all kinds of demeaning, derogatory insults to really hammer it in that he OHMIGAWD TOTALLY HATES VAGINAS NO FOR REAL, it’s … tiresome. And hurtful.

    • Elevator_from_Duh_Shining

      Oh man, I remember when I was in middle school and thought using ALL CAPS made my point more valid too, Tom! Tom, sweetie, you should just go home and take a nice poop because you don’t know the first thing about being a troll. If you’re going to insult me and my entire sex, you could at least do it in an articulate and clever fashion. I think you owe that much to us.

  • Honor

    Shaun, I think you need to apologise. Preferably by issuing a statement with a picture of you shaking hands with a vagina, like politicians do when everyone gets mad and says they’re prejudiced against something.

  • Kundah

    Oh dude… dude, no. Just no.

    Fuckit, I’m off for a lady-wank. Cos I can, ya know, tap into that shit too.

  • Honor

    I’m still finding this funny

  • http://www.mycupcakemafia.blogspot.com cupcakemafia

    Wow. The original piece you reference never insulted a man’s penis. It was never about Penis vs. Vaginas. You made this war up to justify your misogyny. You’re hateful.

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