Yesterday, HOWL’s Women’s Fashion Editor flagged this ‘gem‘ to me for lolz. Yes, you read that right. It’s a love letter. To fannies.
I’m gay and horrified by meat wallets. I’d still be horrified by the pudding hatch even if I wanted to put my willy inside of one. They look like face huggers and probably have the same plans for me.
At first I thought I’d make a witty comeback, much in the same way as Frankee’s ‘Fuck You Right Back‘, critiquing all of the points put forward in the original love letter, but probably not in the form of a R’n’B pop hit. I mean, ‘You look great, you’re shaped great, you smell great’ – has this chick done as she was told during sex education, and actually looked at her junk while bending over and looking behind her into a mirror? Or actually given her axe wound a sniff? That shit nasty, ain’t nobody got time for that.
I love girls though, and I don’t think it’s very nice belittling other people’s genitalia just to make myself feel better about my own (I am totally comfortable with my dick, okay). I’d just like to take the time to reassure boys everywhere that we have the upper hand here in this eternal war called Penis vs Vagina, with a few key points of my own in this ode to wangs everywhere.
1. Big, small or even the micropenis, they all have one distinct advantage – peeing standing up. She-wees are a poor imitation, because they can’t master special moves such as ‘No Hands’.
2. You’re always in the mood! It’s a proven fact that orgasms release all kinds of lovely hormones into your blood stream, and you can tap into that ANY TIME. In fact, probably MANY TIMES in any given day. Shit day at work? Just rub one out! (Probably not at work though).
3. Cut or uncut, you’re beautiful, no matter what anyone says. Girls (or boys) don’t get to have a preference. The penis is a gift. And that whole ‘cut guys are cleaner thing’ – it takes 5 seconds to give him a wash. ALL PENISES ARE EQUAL.
4. It really is the motion in the ocean. Totally not talking from experience here, but my girlfriends have often told me the disappointment they have felt when they get with this well-hung, dream guy who in fact humps like a Pomeranian. So don’t worry about your size, just fuck ’em good. As they say, ‘If it’s more than a mouthful it’s a waste’.
5. THIGH SLAPS.
I could go on. But basically guys, love your little guy. You’ve only got one and he’s precious. Wear a rubber. Peace.